I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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