Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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