This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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