gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize
