my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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