if you like me you must not know who I am
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
