She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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