I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
