I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
