u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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