She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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