The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
