guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
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