the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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