i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
