I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
