If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I think I died a long time ago.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
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