I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
