Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
