Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I would ride that face into the sunset
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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