i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
