Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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