i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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