He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
