i need an iv and a liver transplant
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
