so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
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