He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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