pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
