My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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