I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
