he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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