it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
