Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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