woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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