woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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