awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
