I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dear god my vagina.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
