I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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