you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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