hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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