i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
