I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
