I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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