her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
