Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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