Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
