Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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