i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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