Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize