i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
