My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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