Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
