well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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