yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
