I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
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