a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
