she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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