Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
