She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
What drink are we having for lunch?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
